I turn my nose up!

Well, it’s been a while. Thus, this will be a blog bonanza, featuring what would normally have been broken up into 2 entries. Due to a mélange of vacationing and sloth, I have not posted over a week. Apologies. Here we go…

Last night, I went into Key Foods, the somewhat grotty (British word meaning dingy) supermarket on 4th Street and Avenue A. I have always hated the place, but, to their credit, they are the only one that stocks the particular brand of veggie hot dogs that I consume so eagerly. I decide that while I’m there, I might as well get some other stuff too. I pick up a normal looking cheddar cheese. I glance at the price, expecting $3.50 or so. No! It is SEVEN DOLLARS! I stifle a gasp and look at the other cheese prices. They are equally extraordinary. $4 for a SMALL MacAdams (or whatever it’s called) cheddar. $7.50 for a SMALL smoked gouda. I dared not look at the feta. I decide to eschew the cheese, later settling for a $1.69 Kraft cheddar. I meander over to the vegetables section. Now, this is where I really was outraged/appalled/horrified. The peppers they had sitting there were not only unappealing, I think that they were officially inedible. They were decaying, with patches of mold and joyous swarms of fruit flies lording over their nightmarish, rotting domain. They cost approximately $4.99 per pound. I then spy some mini avocados. They were about the size of one ping-pong ball plus one small egg. I thought, aww, that’s adorable. I then notice that said vegetables (fruit??) are being marketed as regular avocados, and priced at regular avocado rate! It wasn’t by weight! It was by piece! Does Key Foods not realize that their avocados are about one sixteenth the size of everyone else’s? I leave the produce aisle in disgust. I wander over to the bread aisle, figuring that surely the packaged goods will be OK. I notice that the hot dog rolls are sweating in their plastic bags. Oh dear, I think, someone placed them in there when they were still hot out of the oven! But then I realize, no, these are corporate mass-produced rolls. They were probably cooled by a machine before another machine put them into the bag. Thus, I have no choice but to believe that Key Foods allowed these rolls to become hot, causing them to sweat, prior to placing them on their shelves. Disgusting.

AND, you want to know what else I found disgusting? The conversation I overheard at the gym this morning between two large, unattractive women. They propounded the view that all French people smell bad, thus a French woman makes an unsuitable nanny for Woman #1’s brats. They delighted in the joke that all French people are “unsure” (remember those ads?). They said that French people are all “fuckers” who are always “messing with us.” Then, they said that another category of people who make unsuitable nannies is people who come from “third world countries.” This was later clarified to mean communist countries, for reasons unknown. Woman #2 averred that people who come to the US from communist countries should not be hired because, “they used to be prisoners, and then they come to our country and expect hand outs, because they missed the step that the handouts come from hard work.” This stunningly flawed economic analysis is so fraught with error that I won’t even delve into a denouncement. Then, Woman #2 stated that “all that Eastern European shit, Poland and Russia, that’s no good either.” A pregnant pause ensued. Then Woman #1 said, “Hey, now you’re messing with my people.” Ha! Ha! Ha!

However, to be fair, my reaction to this incident made me realize a strange prejudice of my own: I was particularly offended by it because these people were overweight, incredibly ugly, covered in non-hip tattoos, and generally looked like trailer trash. In addition, they were at MY gym, which is for the plebians. There was an element of, “Who are YOU to snub anyone?!” that would perhaps have been absent if I’d overheard this discussion at, say, Equinox or New York Health and Racquet Club. And THAT, my friend, is snobbishness on my part.

To be so appalled twice in 24 hours! Alas.

After playing a round of Taboo with Miss Sarah M., I realized that this game can provide a window into our cultural souls, and also forces us to find new ways to explain things, often leading to hilarity. In addition, it sparked my friendship with Sarah C., as long ago we admired each other’s Taboo prowess from afar.

For those of you who don’t know how to play, here’s how it works. You’re given a card, and on the top of the card is a word. For example: vodka. Then you need to explain this word to the other players, WITHOUT using any of the other words listed on the card. Continuing the above example: alcohol, Russian, martini, bloody mary, clear.

Here are some highlights from my game with Sarah M. that I found particularly funny or illuminating. Imagine the difference between our clues, and the clues 20-somethings in the 1800s would have given, or those our progeny will give in 2080!

Me: Ok! This is something that wimpy people consume, because they are lame and think that you should never do anything bad for you even if it’s pleasant or fun!
Sarah M: Decaf!

Me: OK, this is something green and slimy and it swims.
Sarah M: An alligator?
Me: No, but like, exactly the same thing.
Sarah M: A crocodile!

Me: Ok! This is someone who has a day named after them, but everyone’s like, is he good? Not really! He killed lots of Indians, so some people want to take his day away.
Sarah M: Christopher Columbus!

Sarah M: This is what angry people want to do to the leader of our country because they’re against the war.
Me: Lynch him!!
Sarah M.: Umm… no, the answer is impeach.

Way way back many centuries ago,not long after the bible began,Jacob lived in the land of Canaan, a fine example of a family man.JACOB! JACOB &SONS!

While in Boston, I saw Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. I think this musical is vastly underrated, especially as people seem to like other, more boring musicals such as Phantom of the Opera. As far as I’m concerned, the only exciting part about Phantom is when you get to see the Phantom’s horrifyingly disfigured face, and even that might only happen in the movie. In general, musicals make me feel funny, because you’re sitting in a seat, silently, watching others sing and dance. In ANY OTHER situation in life, if you’re that close to singers and dancers, you’re either singing and dancing too, or standing at the bar, ostensibly taking a break. Musicals can also be just plain goofy, especially those ridiculous scene-ending arrangements (is there a word for those?).

However, Joseph is a riotous good time. Though there are a couple duds, such as Benjamin Calypso and that one about the good days in Canaan (“where diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid . . . . they go?”) in general it is just amazing.

Go go go Joseph you know what they say!
Hang on now Joseph you’ll make it some day!
Sha la la Joseph, you’re doing fine, you and your dreamcoat ahead of your time!
Go go go go!!

Though the moral of the story is unclear, (“It’s okay to boast about your coat, you’ll rule Egypt anyway?” “Being born from the higher-class wife DOES make you better than your brothers after all?” “If you’re thrown in jail for life, don’t worry, just cultivate skills like dream-reading, and Pharaoh will come fetch you?”) it leaves spectators feeling uplifted, and full of glee (and mirth).

One other great thing about this play is that they employ so many bright colors (of course). As is evident from my wardrobe, I’m a huge fan of bright colors. None of this drab, Les Miserables palate! As the lyrics imply, swaths of green and crimson and purple and brown and asher (asher?!) and ochre and rusty (is that what they say?) and grey and . . . and green and brown and BLUE! adorn the stage. I love it!

Idea: has there ever been a movie made of Joseph? I propose an A-list cast:

Joseph: Ryan Phillipe
Pharaoh: Jude Law
Benjamin: Ethan Embry
Jacob: Michael Douglas
Pharaoh’s wife: Tara Reid
The Narrator: Hmm… this is a tough one… anyone? Ideas? Must be someone wholesome, kindergarten teacher-esque, and pretty.

Customer Service

Companies on my sh*t list:

Best Buy – Fiasco involving return of speakers (complaint letter written)
NYU Dental – almost killed me with radiation from X-Rays and also shouted at me until I cried, creating a stark contrast to the dentist detailed below (threatening complaint letter written)
Time Warner – I can’t think about them without having a panic attack, so I won’t detail their nefarious and appalling influence in my life (too upset to write complaint letter)
Duane Reade – company policy was to not give out candy to children on Halloween. What!? They are the primary NYC candy SOURCE!
Office Depot – only would bring desk I ordered to be delivered up 3 of the 4 necessary flights, telling Sarah C. that she herself had to lug it up the last flight as they “don’t go above floor 3.” (complaint letter written)
Key Foods & Food Emporium – both are shockingly gross and overpriced.
Zara – after I tried on 12 items, they told me I could “only try on one more.” Despite the annoyingness of large amounts of fitting room items, surely they realize that if you work full time you can’t go out shopping every five seconds and must make the most of it. And what do they care if I try on lots n lots?
CompUSA – told me rudely that they couldn’t fix my computer, which used to burst into random cacophonous noise, unless it burst into the noise in the store. When I told him the computer wouldn’t do it on call, they called me crazy and implied that the computer didn’t do it at all. My freshman year suitemates will attest the contrary.


Companies I heart:

Whole Foods – generally amazing. The stacks of produce induce tears of joy.
Filene’s Basement – who knew one could get a whole plate set for $13?!
The newsstand in my office building – they sell everything and ONLY things one needs. I have procured food, drinks, Alka Seltzer and stockings there, all sold to me by the Asian-by-appearance, Russian-and-English-by-language employee.
Fresh Direct – words can’t express the adulation I feel towards this ingenious and innovative company which has revolutionized my eating habits
M.A.C. – SoHo store has employees who do not make me feel ugly and do not scoff at my lower price-range purchases. They sell excellent products which have revolutionized my appearance.

Tooths

This morning I went to the dentist. Blech, you say! But no. I had the most delightful experience ever of ever, and it went like this:

I walk in at 7:59 for an 8am appointment. I am greeted, “Hi Charlotte!!!!” as opposed to the usual sullen stare and long line. I’m offered coffee (and asked how I like it) and it is scrumtrilescent.* I am then offered a seat in the waiting room, where they have Us Weekly for me to read!! Fantastic. I’m disappointed that I only have a minute’s perusal before I’m called in. They commence X-rays, using this awesome (in the traditional, not vernacular sense) machine that takes the X-Ray then immediately puts the image onto a computer screen that is dangling above the chair. Usually, I gag up a storm during X-Rays. This time, I was told in a soothing (though not irritating or condescending) voice, “It’s okay. Breathe through your nose. Want to take a break? You okay? There we go!”

Once X-rays are done and real work commences, the computer screen morphs into a TV, and I can watch anything I want during the cleaning. I chose Saved By the Bell, and got to chuckle at Slater’s playboy tendencies and Zach’s sly maneuvering while getting the plaque taken off my teeth by a brand new, almost pleasant super strong water spray.

Then the doctor comes in, and he is pleasant, attractive, brief, and has his leg in a gigantic cast, which inspired sympathy and compassion in me. He takes a look around in my mouth and promptly declares it, “immaculate.”

I then am permitted to leave, with NO PAPERWORK having been done at all. I just give them my social, and THEY look up all my dental insurance info!

I was, however, chastised for my flossing negligence.

*If you haven't ever seen the SNL Best of Will Farrell DVD, or otherwise seen this skit, find a way to view it immediately. It's Will F. imitating the guy from Masterpiece Theater.