Mission Accomplished! (For realz.)

Recently, I have accomplished 2 major feats. The first was merely taking first semester law school exams. The second, equally daunting was…. Cutting my cats’ claws. This may seem trifling, but it recently occurred to me that the plethora of skills needed to complete this task are vast and many. Here are some of the qualities required:

Organization: Cat claw cutting can only be done with a specialized cat claw cutter. This is the kind of object that loses itself very easily. The first step, obvious as this may seem, is to find the damn thing. So, as with most things in life, before you can start the job, you must be organized enough to assemble the needed tools. Once that’s done, you can begin…

Stealth: Both cats must be completely asleep before any successful attempt can commence. Now, chances are, the idea for cutting of the claws occurs to you while the cats are awake, as it’s usually spurred by their clawing at something forbidden (the couch, the bureau, your pants, your face). But no, you must wait, patiently, until they are solidly slumbering. Since cats sleep about 22.5 hours a day, this isn’t so hard. But then, you must sneak up on them, quietly and stealthily. Which leads us to to the next skill required…

Know Your Enemy: There are 2 cats involved. Hence, 2 sets of particularities to be aware of. Inevitably, the cats will wake up upon contact. So the most you can hope for is maximum sleepiness, not total unconsciousness, during clipping. So this requires tricking them into staying sleepy, even while you brandish the clippers and begin work. For Ninja, all this requires is a soft cooing noise (“Hi sweeeeeetie! Okay! You're okay! Shhhhh.”), but for Mr. Rupert (the cleverer of the two, and the more dangerous/violent), it involves more subtlety. The key is to maintain a steadiness of hand, to impart the message that you are in control, and that his best move is not to fight or flee but to submit to your ultimate power. It’s hard to pinpoint how to do this, the best analogy is to horseriding, where you must somehow convey to your steed that you’re unafraid and omnipotent, even while you know that in reality, the horse has the power to throw you off or gallop away at its whim. Which brings us to…

Endurance: No matter how smoothly the transaction goes, you are going to get scratched. It’s best to realize this before you begin. If you run away at the first wound, it’ll never get done. So you must endure the minor scratches and the odd bite, if you want it done. No pain, no gain. No fear. But…

Realism/Take What You Can Get: There comes a point where it’s not worth the blood loss. For instance, today, I got 9 out of 10 of Mr. Rupert’s claws done before he started to totally freak the &^*&^#@ out. So, at that point, I cut my losses. One overly long claw isn’t going to kill him or my furniture, and the mission was just about accomplished. You have to know your limits, and be realistic about what the mission is, exactly. That said…

Rome Wasn’t Built In A Day: While Mr Rupert can survive with 1 long claw, it’s ideal that all 10 get clipped, AND, that the back claws get some attention as well. This kind of perfection can only really be attained through multiple assaults. Once the target falls back asleep, you can begin the second round. This must be done even more gently than the first, since even a cat’s limited short term memory will probably retain the recent clipping ordeal. So, you wait until the next day, or even the next week. And then, you begin again. You must carefully note (and remember!) which nail was neglected, and then, get in and get out. Do it fast, and utilize any lessons that might have been learned from the first round. Also, knowing that a second round is in the cards will take the pressure off the first round, and the more relaxed you are, the more successful you will be.

Above is a pic of Mr. Rupert and Ninja, post-clipping. Look how happy they are!

Well, I was happy at least.