Sweeping Up the Nesquick (alternate title: I Hate My Life)

It has been a nauseating and poisonous morning. So, basically, we have bed bugs again. I am apparently immune to the bites, so this is a lot worse for Athena than it is for me. Especially as they seem to congregate entirely in her room. This morning was our appointment with the exterminator, Ralph. We will call him Exterminator Ralph.

Exterminator Ralph arrives, and throws poison from an antique looking jerry can all over our apartment. Like, it’s dripping in poison.* But he seems impressed with our efforts to terminate the bed bugs. Then, I say, “Hey Exterminator Ralph, there are also these little bugs in the kitchen cabinets. They’re mostly dead because I sprayed Raid on them, but there are TONS of carcasses (carcassi? carci?) and still some live ones roaming around.”

Now, this problem has been going on for about 4 months, but they are so teensy tiny and so efficiently killed by Raid that I didn’t bother to call Exterminator Ralph until we also had bed bugs. But he takes one look (and picks one up and puts it close to his face, ew!) and says, “this is a grain bug. They’re breeding in something in the cabinet.” Now as I am a short grrrrl, I have never ever ever looked on the top shelf of the cabinet. Nor have I really looked on the 2nd to top shelf. But Ralph tells us to take EVERYTHING out of the cabinets and throw out any non-canned good. We do this . . . and find . . . HUNDREDS OF BUGS! Mostly carcassi, but also some live ones meandering amongst the carnage. We examine each grainy item, and in a canister of basamati rice we find… 3 MOTHER LODE BUGS!!!! Like, 3 of the grossest bugs ever. They aren’t that big, but they certainly look reproductive. There were probably more than three, but three was all I saw before I screamed and retreated to the corner, tears filling my eyes and adrenaline filling my veins, while Exterminator Ralph looked at me with amusement and disgust and Athena looked at me with compassion and tranquility. Man is she good at this kind of thing. After seeing the Big Ones I wasn’t much use, as each successive item pulled out of the cabinet was covered in increasing numbers of the small ones.

After the cabinets are emptied, Exterminator Ralph douses the whole thing in poison. The poison seeps through the wood and drips onto everything in the world. He even poisons the ceiling. What a great morning! How I love watching my home be douses in toxic material! How I love knowing all my food and plates was within 3 feet of at least 500 little bugs and at least 3 motherlode bugs!

I decide to do my part by taking out the trash bag of grainy items and bugs of various levels of aliveness. As I’m doing this, it rips, and my Nesquick spills all over the stairs. Of course I don’t notice this until I’m on my way back up, and see my Hansel and Gretl-eque trail. I sweep it up, thinking of the fun times I have had drinking cocoa or chocoMilk with my friends, and am sad the Nesquick ended like this. Almost as sad as I am that my day started like this, sweeping up the Nesquick.

*You might be wondering where Mr. Rupert and Ninja were during this poisoning. They were (and are) next door at Melissa’s, Ninja quietly playing with Gus the pug, but Rupert frantically running back and forth crying plaintively: “MEOW! MEOOOOOW! MEOWWW!” Breaks my heart. Ruuuuuuu . . .