Libertinous Activities

Well, it has been a long time since I have blogged. But here I am!

So. Last night Athena and I decide to watch The Libertine. This is a movie that was almost universally panned, and which had a theater run of approximately 2 days before it went straight to video. Why, we wondered!? It has Johnny Depp, John Malkovich, and Samantha Morton in it! Basically, our reasoning consisted of: The movie has Johnny Depp living like a lush, seducing women. Sounded good to us.

However, the plot quickly took a turn for the complex, and then a turn for the disgusting. I have a feeling that a synopsis might prove funny/interesting to others. Athena, perhaps, will also synopsize, and then we can compare and contrast.

It’s sometime in the 1600s. The Puritans had been having some influence over the government, so no one was having any fun. Then they stopped having influence, and everyone started drinking and having sex and debauching with each other. Charles II was king (this is John Malkovich, wearing the worst prosthetic nose I have ever seen). It’s gotten to the point where the country is almost being pushed into ruin because of all the partying. Charles II decides that it’s a good idea to call upon “The Libertine,” i.e. the 2nd Earl of Rochester, i.e. Johnny Depp, since everyone loves him and he can maybe save the kingdom if he gives a rousing speech in the House of Lords (or something). So he calls Johnny out of banishment (where he had been for 3 months on account of a rebellious poem he had written) and summons him to London, which is at that time a filthy, smelly party town full of men in wigs and makeup, ubiquitous prostitutes and manservants a plenty.

We meet Johnny Depp in his country manor, from whence he and his wife quickly adjourn to London. In the carriage, we learn (while Depp, um, has some, uh, fun with his wife) that he raped/abducted his wife in a similar carriage when she was 18. He is unapologetic about his exploits, and his wife, though she periodically rages at him for his philandering ways, basically sees his exploits as inevitable. He is, after all, hot as fire, and all the women AND MEN of the land want to have their way with him.

Anyway, he shows up in London. We learn that he scorns the King, but also kinda likes him. They all go to a play, where Samantha Morton is acting. She is jeered by the crowd and pelted with produce, but Johnny Depp sees promise in her. He visits her the next day to offer his services as an acting coach. But it seems that for the first time in his life, Depp might have met his match. Oh boy does she have a temper! What a spirit! Anyway, she eventually agrees to be coached by him after he woos her, but she says in parting, “Know that women are always suspicious of men,” implying that though he’s won the argument, she will never view him as anything but a rogue, and thus never fall under his spell.

He trains her. She learns well. At the premiere of her play, London is flabbergasted. She is the new starlet everyone adores. Everyone, that is, except Johnny Depp. He has run away without even telling her “good job.” She is devastated, but only sort of. She is hurt that he hasn’t complimented her acting, but she is not heartbroken. Never would she let herself be so naïve. Not to say that they haven’t had some bedtime adventures together. Oh ho ho, they sure have. But she never let him win her heart, as her heart is hers and hers alone.

Sometime around this period, he goes on a little road trip with his entourage, and this pretty boy Depp-groupie gets killed by an aggressive innkeeper. Depp, in a cowardly despicable fashion, runs away to safety and leaves the boy (his LOVER, we can assume, though tragically we don’t see the sex scene) to die alone on the cold ground.

Meanwhile, Johnny Depp becomes involved with some VERY complicated court intrigue. He is, by the way, a poet and playwright by profession. The country of England is knee deep in debt. For some reason, the king seems to think that if the French ambassador comes over and is REALLY impressed by the country of England, he’ll waive the debt. So the king decides to ask Johnny to write a play that will impress the daylights out of the ambassador. Johnny, who has begun to develop a mysterious ailment, writes a play that is brazenly anti-the-king, and features nudity, dildos, and live sex acts. The French ambassador is appalled, and tells the king that in France, they would execute the playwright for the impertinence. The king walks onstage and stops the performance. He rebanishes Depp, who now has pretty much no money. Depp, instead of being banished in an orderly fashion, runs away, so that the king can’t find and/or kill him.

Depp’s health is deteriorating, and the word “syphilis” begins to be muttered when he is around. He has now lost all his friends due to all the above debacles. He eventually finds some work pretending to be an old man in a market, who can tell fortunes and stuff. Pretty demeaning.

Suddenly, it becomes clear that he has syphilis. I might not have mentioned that while all the preceding action was taking place, Depp has been CONSTANTLY swilling red wine from a goblet that seemed glued to his hand, and also having various kinds of sex with various women and men. We know he has syphilis because . . . HE STARTS TO ROT BEFORE OUR VERY EYES!!! I have rarely seen anything so gross in my life. Worse than any horror movie. This formerly handsome devilish sexy hooligan is reduced to an incontinent, rotting lump of flesh. It’s at this point that he says, “Um, wife? I know I haven’t been a good husband, but will you take care of me?” She says, “Ugh, OK fine.” Meanwhile, the king is in real trouble. People want to oust him. The country is in a precarious spot. The king visits Depp and basically says, “I knew where you were these past 10 years, but you were too worthless to bother finding.” I forget why he found him at all. Hmm.

Depp knows he is on death’s doorstep (and his rot has become so grotesque he is pretty much a walking corpse, actually a limping, almost immobile corpse). He goes to see Samantha Morton, and tells her that the reason he ran away after her show is that he wanted her for his wife, or nothing at all. She says that she wouldn’t have married him anyway. He says that he had wanted to have a baby with her. She says, “You did. A daughter. Elizabeth.” He is shocked and saddened.

Then, in the finale of the film, Depp makes a pretty much incomprehensible speech, which saves the king somehow. He does this, it seems, partly to spite the king, partly to vindicate himself before the court, and partly to save his country from civil war. During this speech, he looks like a combination of Michael Jackson and Rob Zombie.

He goes back to the country, turns green, and has a leaky nose. He dies, his wife at his side. The end.